MRS. O'LEARY'S COW

MRS. O'LEARY'S COW

Why would an alcoholic Chicago homicide detective question the motives of a drummer from a freshly signed rock-blues band? Why does he keep interviewing an elderly widower with dementia? What are an identity-concealing stripper, a bisexual kleptomaniac, a suicidal hot dog cart vendor, a Catholic priest, a well-traveled bluesman with the world's most horrific stutter, and a leggy bartender with a crescent-shaped scar on her pretty face hiding from him? These are the people Detective Carter Woodbine must drink in to solve the mystery in Mrs. O'Leary's Cow. The gumshoe searches for answers at an Irish pub where he sifts through the grit of its patrons and occasionally finding flecks of gold. Among his digging for truths, he unearths enigmas buried deeply within the soil of these people of interest, and even some of his own. But will all the digging and dirt lead to somewhere other than his own grave? Mrs. O'Leary's Cow is much more than a detective quest; it's a reflection of the great city of Chicago and its people during the two days leading up to Christmas. MRS. O'LEARY'S COW A novel By Ryan Patrick Sullivan, Tom English Trafford Publishing Copyright © 2014 RYAN PATRICK SULLIVAN All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1-4907-2096-8 Contents 1. Plumber's Craic, 2. An Unexpected Explosion, 3. Doggy Style, 4. Gold Locket, 5. The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, 6. "Our day starts when your day ends", 7. Sun Sneezing, 8. When I Wake Up in My Makeup, 9. "There are no cherries left in the world, only the boxes they came in.", 10. Super Bowl Commercials that won't be Shown on Television, 11. A Barfly on the Wall of the Pub Crawl, 12. Hobo Spider, 13. Peeling Pink Lotus Petals, 14. The Legend of Chetan "Hawk" Littlejohn: Cheating the Baseball Game of Life, 15. Pig Tales, CHAPTER 1 1. Plumber's Craic. "Tell me what's wrong with youth these days," inquired Raymond McMahon. He was an erect Komodo dragon wearing a green flannel button-up and enough Old Spice to singe every hair in your nose. "Tell me why they're in such a damn hurry." As Raymond spoke, the daytime bartender at Mrs. O'Leary's Cow and moonlighting drummer of the freshly signed The Farrow Moans, 24-year-old Tommy Shannahan looked at the grizzled man before him. As Raymond sipped his Guinness — sucking the promise out of the sunny, quiet Sunday that Tommy hoped for — Tommy pondered: • Why is this man so angry? He has an extra manic twinkle in his eye today. • Why does he always have to be the first person here when I open? • How amazing would it be to be sleeping right now? • Carmen Swisher's legs. • Did I forget the snare at the gig? I think I put it in the van next to the hi-hat. • Carmen Swisher's denim skirt and panty shot she gave while accidentally*1 rocking back on the bar stool and laughing at Cal's terrible joke. Was she humoring him? Does she really like corny-ass puns? • The lack of youthful and cool people that come into The Cow during the day. • Maybe we should change our set list. Maybe we should lead off with "Shattered Halo." Mental note: Run that past Cal. • I can drum as good as Patrick Carney*2. Right? • Carmen Swisher's silver, silky thong. Why do the hot chicks gravitate toward the lead singers? "Oooh, I'm so ironic. I'm a lead singer. Check me out. Run your fingers through my gorgeous, sun-blessed hair." I bet Cal banged Carmen Swisher last night. • Why is this dickhead staring at me? Didn't he ask a rhetorical question? I'm gonna need an energy drink to get through this — two of them actually. • He's going to wait all day for an answer isn't he? "Do you think it's because of all this technology?" Raymond interjected in his thick, Chicago accent before Tommy had a chance to answer. "Has the brain adapted and evolved to understand all this computer mumbo-jumbo and how to satisfy itself with instant information and gratification, but in doing so — in the process of that — did it dumb-down and deteriorate other aspects? Things like common sense? Things like logic? Things like courtesy?" Before Tommy could answer, Raymond continued, "Are they so overcaffeinated — I mean, c'mon, there's a coffee shop at every corner — it's unbelievable! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert — it doesn't matter, they're drinking it all damn day. I remember when you'd have a cup or two to get things going in the morning and that was about it. Go to any Starbucks, at any time of the day, and you'll find dozens of teens in there sipping away. Shit, I didn't start drinking coffee until I was 25 years old." Raymond, pressing the brim of the glass to his lips, gathered his thoughts with a 1,000-mile stare. He lowered the beer without taking a sip and then carried on. "Or, now hear me out for a second," he said. "Are they are too overhydrated? Think about it now. Doesn't it seem like everyone's got a fucking bottle of water sewed into their faces — that is to say, when they're not drinking coffee? So, maybe they're so overhydrated, th