My Inappropriate Life: Some Material Not Suitable for Small Children, Nuns, or Mature Adults

My Inappropriate Life: Some Material Not Suitable for Small Children, Nuns, or Mature Adults

Comedian, Chelsea Lately writer and star, and New York Times bestselling author Heather McDonald explains her outrageous attempts to have it all—her way. In her hilarious New York Times bestseller You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again , Heather McDonald recounted her adventures as an unwilling virgin in Hollywood. Now happily married with three children, Heather writes for and can be seen weekly on E! Channel’s hugely successful show, Chelsea Lately , and also stars in the show’s spin-off, After Lately . But life as a grown-up—even a pretend grown-up—has its challenges. Heather’s a working mom with parents who live next door; a stay-at-home husband who doesn’t give an inch; a sister who keeps asking for one of her eggs; and a group of neighborhood moms who stopped talking to her when she took her kids to a stripper pool party in Vegas. Plus, she still remains friends with the Kardashians and collects Bravo Housewives like they are bottles of wine. Just as laugh-out-loud funny and irreverent in her storytelling as she is on camera as Chelsea Handler’s partner-in-crime, Heather recounts her misadventures with a disarming candor all her own. "As a mom who has been accused of being inappropriate, I just want to say I'm nothing compared to Heather." (Kris Jenner) “Most moms that you work with come to your desk uninvited and start showing you photos or telling you boring stories about their kids… Not Heather McDonald. Instead she shows me photos of her new pool.” (Jen Kirkman, author of I Can Barely Take Care of Myself) “I don’t know any other person who can tell me they are 'over trees,' mean it, make me laugh about it, and at the same time make me wonder if perhaps I am, too.” (Sarah Colonna, author of Life as I Blow It) Heather McDonald is a full-time writer, performer, and story producer on the E! Channel’s top rated show, Chelsea Lately , and stars in the show’s spin-off, After Lately . She is a graduate of the University of Southern California and lives in San Fernando Valley, California, with her husband, Peter, their two sons, and her stepdaughter. Visit her website at HeatherMcDonald.net. My Inappropriate Life 1 THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF WOODLAND HILLS Listen, I am the first to admit I am a huge Real Housewives fan. I am also proud to say that I never discriminate between the cities in which the action takes place. I will watch the gals from Beverly Hills, Orange County, Atlanta, New Jersey, Miami, and obviously, New York. I even extend my devotion to those lower-caliber shows, like Mob Wives and Basketball Wives, where the term “wife” is used very loosely. Some days, I wish I wasn’t such a wife junkie and could turn to Downton Abbey like other, more sophisticated folks—but who are we kidding? I am so obsessed that I will call my husband, Peter, from my car to make sure he has programmed the TiVo to record the Real Housewives and also to make sure that we have chilled Chardonnay for viewing. I prefer to drink while I watch to create a more interactive experience; it helps me relate to the drunk housewives just that much more. This way, I can feel like I’m actually at Beverly Hills’ Adrienne Maloof’s cocktail party to unveil her new line of platform metal-studded heels. It’s just like how my kids prefer participating with their Wii to just watching TV. Over the years, some of the housewives have become my Facebook friends. I’ve even met them and shared a meal. And, since they don’t eat, I always get to take some leftovers home for Peter. But I don’t feel bad about using them for free food. I know the only reason these “wife stars” want to be my friend is because they want to get closer to Chelsea Handler. This happens to me a lot. I tend to think of Chelsea as Jesus and myself as one of her disciples. They’re excited to meet Saint James, but who they really want to share that wine and break that bread with is the savior herself. Most of the time, when they hang out with me, they’re really just hoping to be booked as a guest on Chelsea Lately. They even get upset when they can’t get a booking and will call me to complain. I don’t know how much longer I can handle the drunk tears. From our Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion parody. I’m playing Danielle Staub. Deep down, though, I know where they’re coming from. I mean, if you think about it, they’ve worked so gosh-darned hard to get where they are. Let’s take a quick look: first, they had to marry well, then get divorced and marry well again. Next, they had to go all the way over to the Bravo website and fill out an application. Just think of the concentration required: remembering their Social Security number while also trying to recall their actual birthday. It must all be so taxing. To be honest, I think Real Housewives fame might be just as dangerous as teen-idol fame, if not more so. Six months prior to being booked on the Real Housewives, these women’s biggest claim to fame was being the hottest mom in