The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

The Tao of Martha: My Year of LIVING; Or, Why I'm Never Getting All That Glitter Off of the Dog

One would think that with Jen Lancaster’s impressive list of bestselling self-improvement memoirs— Bitter Is the New Black ; Bright Lights, Big Ass ; Such a Pretty Fat ; Pretty in Plaid ; My Fair Lazy ; and Jeneration X —that she would have it all together by now. One would be wrong. Jen’s still a little rough around the edges. Suffice it to say, she’s no Martha Stewart. And that is exactly why Jen is going to Martha up and live her life according to the advice of America’s overachieving older sister—the woman who turns lemons into lavender-infused lemonade. By immersing herself in Martha’s media empire, Jen will embark on a yearlong quest to take herself, her house, her husband (and maybe even her pets) to the next level—from closet organization to craft making, from party planning to kitchen prep. Maybe Jen can go four days without giving herself food poisoning if she follows Martha’s dictates on proper storage....Maybe she can grow closer to her girlfriends by taking up their boring-ass hobbies like knitting and sewing.…Maybe she can finally rid her workout clothes of meatball stains by using Martha’s laundry tips.… Maybe she can create a more meaningful anniversary celebration than just getting drunk in the pool with her husband....again. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll discover that the key to happiness does, in fact, lie in Martha’s perfectly arranged cupboards and artfully displayed charcuterie platters. Or maybe not. For all the frustrated admirers of Martha Stewart, who love her style but fear that her methods are hard to duplicate, and her standards impossible to meet, there is Lancaster, best-selling author of Bitter Is the New Black (2005) and Jeneration X (2012). Lancaster chronicles a year she spent aiming for some semblance of the Martha Stewart life in her own suburban household with a skeptical husband and unruly pets. Pummeled by money problems and career setbacks, she channeled her considerable energy into searching for the Tao of Martha, turning her chaotic household into blissful party-hosting, handmade gift-giving, and converting the Drawer of Shame into an orderly repository. Lancaster includes photos, many of her dogs, in this amusing, yearlong romp through the holidays and everyday living in a tribute to Martha Stewart and all women doing the best they can. --Vanessa Bush PRAISE FOR JEN LANCASTER HERE I GO AGAIN "Lancaster's as adept at fiction as she is at telling her own stories—no matter what she's writing, it's scathingly witty and lots of fun."— Publishers Weekly (starred review) "Readers will find it easy to root for the frank and funny heroine of this winsome, whimsical tale. Lancaster's downright fun novel is chick lit at its best."— Booklist (starred review) "In a whimsical twist on the Back to the Future scenario, a bully returns to her high school days to right some wrongs...Quantum physics was never funnier. A great read."— Kirkus (starred review) IF YOU WERE HERE “Witty and hilarious.”— People “Jen Lancaster has the kind of scathing wit that makes you wish she was your best friend but thankful she’s not your new neighbor.”— New York Times Bestselling Author Carrie Ryan MY FAIR LAZY “Hilarious... My Fair Lazy does not ‘suck it.’ It rocks it.”—Examiner.com “Light and fun and full of pop-culture musings.”— Chicago Sun-Times PRETTY IN PLAID “Like that dreamy pair of heels that [is] somehow both comfy and chic…a hilarious tribute to her early fashion obsessions.”— People SUCH A PRETTY FAT “She’s like that friend who always says what you’re thinking—just 1,000 times funnier.” — People BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ASS “A bittersweet treat for anyone who’s ever survived the big city.” —#1 New York Times Bestselling Author Jennifer Weiner BITTER IS THE NEW BLACK “She’s absolutely hilarious.”— Chicago Sun-Times Jen Lancaster is the New York Times bestselling author of eight books. She has appeared on Today , The Joy Behar Show , and NPR’s All Things Considered . She resides in the suburbs of Chicago with her husband and their ever-expanding menagerie of ill-behaved pets. ONE Resolved Welcome to Holiday Central! The candles are lit, the Christmas carols cranked, and the buffet is laden with each of my best dishes—pasta with Bolognese sauce, of course, short-rib ragout, Italian brisket with rosemary horseradish, both Caprese and kale salads, the kind of antipasto platter that would bring Mr. Frank Sinatra himself to his knees, a traditional three-meat lasagna, and a roasted-red-pepper version, because my friend Julia “doesn’t like cow.” The desserts I’m serving require their own separate table, stacked high with apple pies from the elegant Farmer and Blue owl (an Oprah’s “favorite thing”), Kahlúa cake, and ten varieties of homemade Christmas cookies. The wine’s flowing, the guests are mingling, and all the dogs are dancing around in their festive jingle-bell collars wearing perma-grins because ain’t no table scrap like a